What was supposed to be the day I was most looking forward to since the beginning of the week, turned out extremely disappointing, far beyond what I would have imagined.
My boyfriend went on a short getaway to Cameron Highlands with a group of his friends. He just returned to Singapore last night and tonight, we finally get to meet. I missed him so much and those who follow me on Twitter would already know how terribly excited I was for tonight’s date.
We had initially planned on going to Orchard, which I thought was great cos other than Sunday’s dinner with him, I have nothing else to add to my weekend. It’s the weekend right before my 22nd birthday and sadly (but expectedly), my family doesn’t want to celebrate it with me.
Not many of you will know what it feels like. My parents either always forget my birthday and not feel the need to celebrate it. It sucks. And quite honestly, I have for years now, quite hated my birthday.
That was until I met my boyfriend and he gave me hope and that sense of pride in being me. Those who know me well enough, though not many, will know about certain issues I faced since I was a little girl.
I never felt loved. Yes, I never did. My boyfriend changed that for me.
And finally when I’ve found someone whom I believe loves me, I start expecting. I guess even to the point of being ‘spoilt’ sometimes. I have never been accepting of spoilt kids. It disgusts me in fact. And I don’t want to be anything like that. I don’t demand, throw tantrums or stuff like that. Instead, i do what i usually do and give in. I give in with the hope that he knows what i want and turn it around, giving in to me instead. And when it doesn’t happen, i do try to take it well, but quite the opposite, I often don’t. It then brings me back to questioning if he really cares enough for me to make sacrifices as such.
That’s what I did tonight.
The first disappointment was when he told me he couldn’t meet me in school as planned. The second was when he said he had errands to run and would be late if he were to meet me, so I suggested meeting him at his house instead. The third was knowing that he had to run errands, so we couldn’t go to town.
I somehow knew at the back of my mind that he really didn’t have ‘errands’ to run then. I suspected he was just too lazy to meet me.
Well, I do feel that our relationship has taken a back seat. He did tell me just last week that the ‘honeymoon period’ between us was long over. Did hurt me but yeah, what was I thinking?! Stupid me.
I know I am complicated…I know. But I believe, as girls, we’re all like that one way or another.
You know, i have so much to say, so much on my mind, so much weighing on my heart. But I really am tired.
He must hate me now. I don’t blame him.
I love him & I hate myself right now too.