Heartful

Heart feels heavy.
Holding back the tears.
Feel like dying.

I fuckin’ hate low self-esteem. I fuckin hate MY low self-esteem.

It doesn’t help knowing my barely non-existent level of importance in my family. To have my mum tell me it was my brother that kept my family together; to have it reaffirmed by my dad wanting to stay with the family cos he envisioned my mum leaving him with a bag in one hand and holding my brother in the other. So what does it all mean?!? I think it’s self-explanatory.

Who the fuck cares who I am or what I am, or even if I exist or not?

I was in Sydney just last week to visit my mum’s younger brother. The last time I saw him was 19 years ago (i was 3) in Australia. He “ran away” from home for Sydney when he was 18 and has been living there ever since. Long story.

But anyway, mum caught up with him and they spent hours each day of my week-long trip to talk about everything under the sun.

Of course, she told him about the big family hoo-ha we had years ago. During their conversation, with it being a time of reflection and transparency and whatever you call it, I don’t know what got into me, but I ended up telling her about the secrets I knew about dad, which i have been keeping since I was 9.

Yes, I managed to open up with my emotions fully intact.

I only broke down when she brought up the vision my dad had of her leaving, as mentioned above. It wasn’t new – I’ve heard it from her before. But somehow, I actually forgot about it all this while till she told my uncle.

It just reminded me of where I stand in this ‘family’.

Again, I’m holding back my tears as I write this.

I hate that all these are surfaced when it’s so near christmas. Honestly, I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotional shit ever since that day. Thing is, no one will understand.

I know I should put the past behind. I’ve got a boyfriend, so I should focus on that instead. But really, i don’t know how to feel like I’m worth anything anymore. I don’t know how to accept myself as an individual that matters, nor do I even know how to feel loved when I know it lacks from the people who should naturally love me most.

All it took was for my bf to say today that the girl he interviewed was confident, fluent, intelligent, blah blah blah and everything perfect for a job position he’s helping a friend fill. To top that off, she was pretty.

It crushed me more and more with every word he spoke about her.

And to make matters worse, he will be hiring her and she’ll be working in his office. When school starts, I won’t be around.

From my perspective, my family is quite practically out of the picture. All I have are my boyfriend and friends. Friends will leave, we all know that. Lose contact for a while and they’re gone. In other words, I only have one person who loves me: my boyfriend. He means the world to me. He’s my life, my purpose.

And then…

That’s where all the fuckload of memories come back. Office affairs and all that stupid shit. Please, don’t tell me not all guys will cheat. To me, cheating begins from the moment a guy even thinks about a girl, other than his girlfriend.

I just tell myself every time that I need to not expect, set no standards and prepare for the worse. That way, I am not susceptible to any form of pain or hurt, right? I can’t find a better way. Any suggestions?