I woke up this morning trying to recall the details of a dream I had last night.
When I got out of bed, all that was left in memory was me having a dream about my boyfriend (Darren) and myself and thankfully, a happy ending to it.
I also remember waking up when the dream ended, in the middle of the night, wrapping my arms around him and feeling an overwhelming sense of gratification.
I just had to know the details of the dream – there was so much emotion and meaning to it, I couldn’t simply let the whole thing slip away like that.
So, I thought about it for a while and it came back to me bit by bit – and it all makes sense to me right now.
Like all dreams, my dreams tend to lack clarity and the nitty-gritty details like where we were exactly, the faces around us, the time, the day, and whatnot. I’ll try to put together whatever I can remember and hopefully, it’ll make sense to you as well.
The dream started out with us being upset with each other, though I’m not too sure about what, but I believe we kind of grew tired of the relationship and got bored, like neither of us felt the love and desire for each other anymore. We made a mutual decision to go our separate ways – no tears, no sadness involved.
Not too long after we split, he found himself a new girlfriend and I found myself a new boyfriend.
One day, my new boyfriend and I were having lunch at a carnival of sorts and for some weird reason, Darren and his new girlfriend were seated at the table right next to us.
I don’t think my dream included any awkwardness during the meal ‘cos I only took notice of their presence when she jumped out of her seat like a kid. Uh-huh.
Darren stood up, looked at me and I notice him for the first time. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds, but neither of us acknowledged the other. We acted like complete strangers.
He walked away with her and I suddenly felt a sense of loss. I felt slight jealousy and I think I started to miss him.
Not too sure if I was still at the carnival, but I remember standing alone at a back alley. Out of nowhere, get this, Darren walks up to me and holds my hands in his. He told me that misses us, that it’s not the same without me. We hugged and I cried.
Even though the dream ended there, I should the ending was a happy one for the both of us. Well, at least it felt like it.
Our mind often pulls together the fragments of physical reality and builds the dreams we have in our sleep. Truth be told, I am a very insecure girl. I know guys find insecurity to be very unattractive, a turn-off even. Darren and I have been together for 4 years. I must say, I am truly blessed to have such an understanding boyfriend. He knows that the root of my insecurities dates back to the family problems I went through as a child. I sense his frustration sometimes and I swear I do try to hold back and hide my emotions whenever I can.
He works in an environment with lots of young – and very pretty – girls who are around our age. In a typical day, he spends 10 of his waking hours at work and only 2-3 hours with me. I know too well how the male dna is created, so I can’t help it when my insecurities kick in.
No, we’re not at all like a poster couple, even though we appear to be. We have our ups and downs too. Whether it’s what they call a girls “sixth sense” or simply an unhealthy combination of psychological trauma and a vivid imagination, the fact is that it haunts it. It never really bothered me with my exes, but because Darren means so much more to me, it all starts to surface.
Do I want to rid it completely? Yes and no. Yes because I’m afraid it might cost me this relationship, and no because the insecurity sort of acts as a bodyguard. How ironic, isn’t is? My insecurity actually prepares me, both emotionally and psychologically, for the worse in every situation. As the saying goes, “the less you expect, the less your disappointment.”
I trust Darren – I really do. But do I trust myself? No. As safe as I feel wrapped up in my insecurities, they are also my worst enemies.